I am a person who wants things, like most every other person. I click on house listings on Facebook, coveting other people’s beautiful spaces though I have no intention of moving. I have spent many years watching renovation shows, filled with wanting for the rich paint colours and modern furnishings and plank flooring I don’t have. I often leave items unpurchased in online shopping carts because just the act of shopping for them is the hit I need. I am filled with want, I spend time in the wanting, then I grudgingly walk away.
It is only because of a lifetime of disappointment that I have learned to abandon those shopping carts. (Dramatique? Moi?) Of course I have followed through with purchases, and at least half of the time I have regretted it. The rush of wanting is much more energizing than the feeling of getting. Getting a package in the mail, something I have to bring into my home and find a place for, actually feels really heavy sometimes. Unless it’s a book. I just stack those to the ceiling and dare my husband to complain.
We humans are easy to market to because we are built to want.
Wanting has a strong gravitational pull. I could have the most beautiful home on earth and someone else would have a different style of beautiful home that I would covet. I renovated my family home when I moved back ten years ago, getting to choose my own finishes and make a space I adore, but ten years means styles have changed and I sometimes covet the new even though I love my home.
I’ve decided that’s fine. I’m gonna want all the things.
I’m going to want the beautiful homes I drive past. I’m going to want the fireplace flanked by bookcases and the cozy reading nook I see on Pinterest. I’m going to want all the clothes and boots and hair styles Jennifer Lawrence rocks. I’m going to want all the decadent foods at the finest restaurants. I’m going to want a vacation to New Zealand and another one to Iceland, and yet another across Europe.
What I’m not going to do is buy all of these things. I am not going to confuse the wanting for an actual need. I will not expect a renovation or shopping spree or vacation to take away the wanting. That’s not how it works. If anything, the more I get the more I want, and with each unnecessary acquisition my mind becomes a less and less quiet place to live.
Eating all the foods I want gives me a stomach ache. Buying all the clothes I want destroys my bank account and the planet and doesn’t make me feel any better, not one single ounce. And the feeling of buying something then realizing it doesn’t look good or doesn’t fit and I have to return it? Torture.
Even within my creative life I constantly want. I want the attention other people get when they easily sell more tickets than I can, when they get chosen for a festival I wanted to play or receive a grant I applied for. I want it all, but only when it’s being paraded in front of my eyes. We are built to want. When I sit with myself and my notebook and write, I can find the truth of what my actual needs and wants are.
I don’t truly want most of the things I covet.
I want a creative life, a quiet family life. I want to make really good music with other musicians I think are brilliant. I want to try new things, and I want eight hours of sleep every night. I want to sleep in my own bed and have time for my family and eat mostly homecooked meals.
What’s so interesting to me is that the things I truly want are often at odds with the things I covet. Like Gollum in the Lord of the Rings, my ego and lusting for more tend to pull me further away from my happiest place.
So I’m gonna go ahead and want all the things, recognizing that I’m just built that way. And I’m also going to keep meeting with myself and a notebook each morning to remind myself what actually makes me happy.
And then I’ll probably buy five new books. It’s about balance, people.
Upcoming Shows
Thank you to all the folks who packed the house at our sweet little show on Sunday. I can tell you it was a very special afternoon for those of us onstage, and what a joy to perform with Jakeb Daniel and Graven. A little slice of magic.
I don’t have any shows scheduled for March or April, but I’ve got some fun in store for late spring into summer. You’ll be the first to know!
Featured Song - Close Your Eyes
Two of the Sunday show attendees mentioned this as their favourite song of mine. And the cozy vibes suit today’s weather just fine. Enjoy with a cup of tea, that’s what I plan to do.
xo
Shannon