I have a problem

I have a problem. I long to be all the versions of me all at once. When life is quiet and I am reading and writing voraciously, I want to be practicing guitar more. When I’m in full throttle performance prep I want to be writing songs. When I’m teaching I want to be hiking more, and when I’ve got nine weeks off as an educator through the summer I think about and plan games and songs I could be teaching. When I have time for sewing projects and gardening I lament the lack of gigs.

It’s so silly, and it really messes with me.

I cannot be all the things all the time. Logically I know that. I like all the different pieces of me and of my life, and I like that they are disparate and each fit a different part of the year. I want to be present in my life, to recognize and appreciate the season I am in as it is happening. Heck, to appreciate the day I’m in as it is happening.

I want to be present. 

I struggle with the concept of putting things on the backburner, “to every thing there is a season” blah blah blah. I know the various parts of me will come back around to the front in their time, but a persistent little voice tells me I’m failing because I can’t keep everything front and centre all the time.

I want to be present.

I want to wake up and see what lays ahead on any given day and embrace it. I want to throw myself into whatever is going on that day, that week, and not let 15% of my brain prattle on about the list of things I’m not doing because I am currently doing this one thing. I want to not worry that I will never write another song because I am simply not writing songs at the moment. I want to release myself of mom guilt because my kids are happily self-occupied without me by their sides, especially because I know I will spend half my week driving them to and from their activities and appointments, during which I’ll be lamenting the time I could be spending doing my own activities.

I’ve been experiencing this divided attention for years. I can’t pinpoint a time it started but I also can’t think of the last time I didn’t feel this way. I don’t want this for myself, and I don’t know how to start changing it, except that the word mantra popped into my head. So I looked up some mantras for being present. Why not?

I found “I am grateful for this present moment and everything it offers me.” I don’t think my problem is with gratitude, but perhaps I am too abstractly grateful - I know I’m grateful for my life but being grateful for this specific moment might help. I can try this one.

I found “By being present, I am creating, shaping and influencing what happens next.” This one feels like I’m gaming the system, in that I’m being present only because it will help me out later. Feels very achievement focused and all about that hustle and actually still aiming for “what happens next” instead of what is happening right now. Nope, this mantra doesn’t work for me.

I found “I am here, I am now, I am enough” which, I have to be honest, immediately gave me the icks. I am allergic to this kind of new age wellness speak, so even though the sentiment feels kind I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror and say this one.

I found “My presence holds power.” Woah. Yes. There’s something here for me. By never fully sinking into what I am doing in any given moment, I am missing the power that exists in presence. I don’t write well when I’m distracted. I’m not a fun or empathetic parent when I’m trying to get through the time to get to my next thing. I don’t play music or teach well when I’m not absorbed in the moment. My power comes from my presence. My presence holds power.

I think I found a keeper.

I am going to tuck this mantra into my back pocket (figuratively) and speak it to myself (literally) several times a day. I want to be present; life is too good to be anything but.

xo
Shannon

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Upcoming Shows

May 19 - Scenery Drive Restaurant with Jakeb Daniel (5-7:30pm)
June 24 - Private Event - if you’d like to attend I can get you details
July 26 - Tranzac Club Toronto with full band (9:30-11:30pm)
August 2 - Fifth Wind Farm Cobourg with full band (7pm - tickets on sale here)

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Featured Song
I’m really enjoying learning some cover songs these past few weeks, and in that spirit I’m sharing a Blue Rodeo cover from a couple years ago. This is Lost Together - enjoy!