I am hesitant to share this latest musing because it’s grumpy and low and that’s not the kind of energy I like to put out into the world. However, I am not finding it easy to dig out of this particular hole of doom and gloom, so I think maybe facing it head on and admitting it’s there is necessary. If you need to avoid negative energy today feel free to give this one a pass.
I’m on the struggle bus and feeling sorry for myself. My body has declared war on me. Ever since I tore my ACL last May I’ve been diligently seeing a trainer and doing home workouts to rehab my knee. That’s nine and a half months of very dedicated commitment to a workout plan. It’s going well, though my motivation has been waning this month. I grumble and groan and do the workouts anyway, determined to do everything I can to get back to the sports I love.
Enter cross-country skiing a few weeks ago where I sustained another mysterious and unprompted injury - possibly a hernia, possibly a pulled groin. And then, oh fun, my elbow hurts every time I do overhead weights. Enough that I can’t continue to do them until I get that sorted out.
Because of the impressive variety of aches and pains I have sprouted, I’ve got three different physio stretch and strength regimes on the go right now. And to be honest, I don’t have the patience for it. I think it’s more mentally taxing than anything else, to know that every day I should be doing at least two different regimes just to get my body to feel normal.
Earlier this week my physio cast doubt on the likelihood of my returning to baseball this summer. We need to do a bunch more testing to ascertain how strong the injured knee is before we can be sure. He is a guy who always tells me movement is a good thing, never discourages it, so that felt like a big gut punch.
Then yesterday I had a massage, during which my massage therapist told me about a series of things my muscles weren’t doing normally, and the wonky way my pelvis and back were behaving. I just wanted to cry. What the hell, universe? I am trying really damn hard here. Give me a break.
I am mad at my body for refusing to do what I want it to do, what I am nurturing and training it to do. It feels like a betrayal. I am angry about these stupid minor injuries piling on top of the massive injury I sustained last spring. Is it too much to ask to be able to fix the one thing before a bunch more issues pop up?
I missed the entire hockey season this year and the entire baseball season last summer and never felt sorry for myself about it, but I want to play this summer. Badly. I need some mindless, physical fun in my life. And my ball team is a big part of my social life in the summer. I am so grumpy and bummed out about the idea of not playing. I’ve already decided I will be playing, even if only as back catcher. (Don’t worry. It’s 3-pitch, so the catcher does next to nothing.)
I find myself leaning towards the “if you don’t test, the numbers won’t go up” mentality this week. Maybe I need to cancel my various medical and physio appointments for the foreseeable future so my spirit can recover. If I don’t know what’s wrong with me I can pretend I’m fine…?
But no, I will go to my ultrasound on Monday and keep doing my damn exercises and keep fricking trying even though every ounce of me wants to storm around like a tantruming toddler screaming “this isn’t fair!!!!”
I will say, I feel lucky to have a physio/trainer team I truly trust, because I almost certainly would have quit in any other circumstances. I know they know what they’re doing and they’ve got me on the right track, so I won’t quit. But if my body could cooperate it would be a beautiful thing.
I sure need some Joy Just Because this week, so I updated the playlist. Check it out, and send me some song recommendations that boost your spirits.
Listen on Spotify
Listen on YouTube
Here’s to brighter days and sunnier attitudes!
xo
Shannon
This resonates with me big time as I have had a slew of new health issues in the past 2 years... both injuries (including a ridiculous, mysterious tailbone injury and debilitating headaches) and systemic junk (Hashimoto's is the headliner with other hormonal BS). Makes you feel like "what the heck was all that organic food, sunscreen, and exercise for???". Feels like these things are snowballing at times. Doesn't sound like you are looking for advice-- but I will say I'm a little buoyed when I can compassionately say to myself "self, you feel bad because you are in pain" which is to say, my usual can-do attitude is not really possible when resources are going towards tolerating a physical pain so at least mentally I can be less disappointed in myself. Bravo for sticking with physical therapy and activity through all this!!! Sounds like you've earned at least a little bitching and moaning. (And we should totally zoom co-write sometime!)
You’ve got this. But you’re entirely entitled to a good moan session, it’s hard work and you deserve a break!